


When daylights fading, we’re gonna play in the dark til it’s golden again

by moonlit_tears



Series: Haikyuu!! Vent Stories [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressed Hinata Shouyou, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:01:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29141169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlit_tears/pseuds/moonlit_tears
Summary: When the sun falls beneath the horizon, the moon takes its place, shining when it cannot.orHinata has been strong for too long and Kageyama wants to pick up the pieces.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Series: Haikyuu!! Vent Stories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2139081
Comments: 2
Kudos: 95





	When daylights fading, we’re gonna play in the dark til it’s golden again

**Author's Note:**

> Note the tw! Nothing is super graphic but there is mentioned cutting, burning, and rubber band snapping as well as depressing thoughts. This is kind of a vent fic but nothing is TOO depressing its just sad

Hinata is the sun, everyone knows that. With his bright orange hair and even brighter smile, he lights up everyone and everything he meets.

Everyone loves the sun, but it’s lonely to be the only thing shining for the world. Hinata knows this.

No one asks how he’s doing, they assume he’s perfectly fine because of the smile he plasters on his face. It’s not like he’d tell them how he felt even if they asked, no one ever said it but he knows that he is what holds his team together. Nothing is predictable with their team, the only constant is Hinata’s bright attitude. He knows he cannot let this act slip.

Hinata really feels like the sun, isolated from the world and oh so pained. No one gets close to the sun without burning up like Icarus, Hinata knows this, so he lets no one get close. He doesn’t understand why he feels like this, essentially there is nothing wrong with his life, everyone loves him, but he can’t help but think they don’t really love him, just the image of Hinata they have in their mind.

Hinata is the sun so he takes a lighter and a razor to his thigh. He burns and cuts himself, bruising, blistering, and bleeding red, red just like the sun.

He’s done this forever, wake up, slap on the widest smile he can muster (ignore the pain), get ready (ignore how heavy his heart feels), say goodbye to his family (ignore the urge to scratch his wrists red), and go to school.

It’s one particularly bad day when he looks in the mirror at his red rimmed eyes with his whole mind is screaming at him that he almost collapses at the thought of school.

He knows he needs to hurry, Kageyama would be worried if he didn’t meet him to race to school together as usual, but everything just hurt. He grabs a rubber band to wear on his wrist, slapping it a few times to tide him over, staring at himself til he can perfect his smile in the mirror. Only once it's so perfect he almost believes it himself does he rush out if the house, luckily with a couple minutes to spare.

He knows that the rubber band is risky, doing anything so visible to others always is, but his mind is screaming, and he knows it’s unavoidable if he wants to make it through the day.

He meets Kageyama, jumping up and down as excitedly as he can muster, bouncing around the taller boy as they begin the trek to school.

“Dumbass, relax.” Kageyama grumbles, rolling his eyes at the smaller boy. “It’s just school, we go every day, no need to be so excited.”

“Oh.” Hinata sighs, face falling as he stops, falling into step with Kageyama, too embarrassed and sad to tease him back. “Sorry.”

He doesn’t even think twice about it, he just starts snapping the rubber band on his wrist, relaxing at the sharp sting that comes from it.

He’s lost in his own little world of pain until an unsure hand is placed upon his shoulder. He suddenly remembers where he is and immediately puts his act back on.

Of course Kageyama noticed, how could he be so stupid, Hinata was the sun, the Hinata Kageyama knew didn’t go quiet, let alone slap a band against his skin.

Kageyama’s normally uninterested expression was replaced with one of confusion, and maybe a little worry, though Hinata reminded himself that Kageyama didn’t really care about him, he probably just felt sorry for him.

“What’s up Kageyama?” Hinata asks, glancing at the hand on his shoulder. He knows what’s up, but he hopes he can make Kageyama drop it.

Kageyama looks shocked and begins sputtering for words. “I, I’m sorry?”

“For what?” Hinata smiles, ignoring the itch for more pain, knowing he’s already been too obvious.

“For making you sad?”

“That’s funny Yama!” Hinata giggles, digging his fingernails into his palms, doing his best to keep up his brightest smile. “I’m never sad!”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive!”

If Kageyama has more to say he doesn’t say it, effectively dropping the subject. Hinata relaxes, relieved he can continue his act and resumes bouncing and rambling about volleyball to distract Kageyama from his rubber band incident.

————

Hinata had hoped that Kageyama would have dropped what happened this morning completely, but it seemed like that was only the beginning.

He knew he was normally fidgety and happy in class but he didn’t have the energy for it if he had to keep his act up for volleyball, so he doesn’t bother trying. Kageyama’s stare is on him, he can feel it, but he ignores it, if you don’t acknowledge it happened it doesn’t exist. So he doesn’t acknowledge it and presses his hands into his thighs, focusing on the pain that comes from the pressure.

Breathe in, and out. You’ve got this, he thinks.

He doesn’t have it.

———

Lunch does not go how he wants it to.

“Hinata.” Kageyama says from across the table they are seated at. “You’ve zoned out again.”

“Did I?” He says, forcing a smile and a laugh. “Sorry Yama, maybe if you weren’t so boring I would pay attention.”

Normally if he says something like this Kageyama would get irritated and call him a mean name.

Today is not a normal day though.

“I’m not stupid Hinata.” Kageyama says, and Hinata’s smile falters for a second but he fixes it immediately after, weakness showing for only a second. “Something is wrong.”

“Kageyama!” Hinata says, in what he hopes is a teasing manner. “I didn’t know you had feelings, I knew you cared about me!”

Again Kageyama didn’t take the bait.

“Hinata.” he says, eyes piercing into Hinata’s, almost as if he was trying to see into his brain, which he probably was. “I told you I wasn’t stupid.”

“You? Not stupid?” He retorts, still trying, knowing that Kageyama was stubborn and most likely wouldn’t stop it, but still trying with everything he had. “That’s funny!”

His stare continued, Hinata struggling not to squirm uncomfortably under it, he couldn’t show anymore weakness.

“Are you done yet?”

“Done with what?” Hinata responds, playing dumb, all of his efforts being shot down but still not giving up.

“Pretending you don’t know what I’m talking about Hinata.” Kageyama states, and Hinata deflates a little, not wanting to talk about what is wrong.

“Sorry Yama,” he mumbles, mind racing to come up with a good excuse for why he’s acting the way he is. “I just didn’t get enough sleep last night.”

Kageyama stares at him for a second, clearly thinking over what Hinata said.

“You didn’t have a good sleep so you were doing what you did this morning, acting miserable in class, and now not eating any lunch?” Kageyama says, clearly not believing a word Hinata said.

His heart seizes, no one was supposed to notice his feelings, let alone his bad habits, and yet Kageyama noticed both in one morning.

He doesn’t want to admit it so he does what he does best, lying.

“I swear that’s all it is!” He protests, eyes pleading with Kageyama’s. “I promise, I didn’t even notice I wasn’t really eating, I’ll finish my food, nothing’s wrong.”

“Fine.” Kageyama says and Hinat knows he still is not convinced. “Eat your lunch, you are going to need the energy for practice tonight.”

“Of course!” Hinata chirped, taking a big bite as if to prove he really was fine. “I wouldn’t want to be tired for volleyball!”

———

Hinata always waits until he’s the last one in the dressing room to change, he’s always done it so no one questions it, all chalking it up to him most likely being insecure.

Before he can leave the change room to go to the gym he hears Kageyama’s voice through the door. He knows eaves dropping isn’t nice but he doesn’t care, Kageyama barely talked to people off the court if Hinata wasn’t there so he was curious.

“Suga?” He heard Kageyama say, his voice holding a tone of concern he never thought it would have.

“Yes?” Sugawara responded, he could imagine the worried expression on the boys face, as Kageyama of all people coming to him would be a surprise and concern.

“Can I ask you to do something for me?” Kageyama asks.

“Of course.”

“Watch Hinata for me.” Hinata hears and his heart drops to his stomach.

“Why?” he hears Suga ask, voice clearly confused.

“I can’t explain.” Kageyama says hurriedly, “He will be out here soon, please just do this for me?”

“Of course.” Sugawara responds, always being the motherly one of the group. “I‘ll keep an eye on him.”

He stays outside the door to the gym frozen, he barely had enough energy to vaguely pretend to be happy for Kageyama when he watches, no where near enough if Suga’s watchful eye was constantly on him too. He slaps the band a couple times on his wrist, re-centering himself, counting to a minute then walking through the door.

———

Hinata felt like he could cry, the pressure of two pairs of eyes on him throughout practice made it almost impossible to keep him mask on.

He knew his mask flickered throughout practice, making him less like the sun and more like a broken light-bulb. But he ignored both Suga and Kageyama, bouncing and smiling as much as he could, all the way through practice.

He knew they both noticed something was wrong, he just had to hope for better days the rest of the week to get them off his back.

He had just taken his shorts off to change when he heard someone walking back into the change room. No one ever did that, he made sure no ones stuff was left to give anyone a reason to come back in, so when Kageyama walked in he felt tears begin to form in his eyes. He stared at Hinata, gaze flickering between his eyes and thighs, his thighs different shades of red, covered in blistered burns and thick cuts.

“Oh Hinata.” Was all Kageyama said and Hinata burst into tears, knowing what would come next.

Kageyama would insult him, call him stupid and worthless. Tell him what an attention seeker he was and how much of an idiot he was.

What he didn’t expect was for Kageyama to pull him against his chest, arms wrapped tightly around the smaller boy as he shook, sobbing into the taller’s chest.

He heard soothing words being mumbled into his hair as Kageyama held him until he finished sobbing, body too exhausted to continue. Kageyama let go, leaning down to hand Hinata his pants which had lay discarded on the floor. After he embarrassedly pulled them on, Kageyama signaled for him to sit across from him on the floor, clearly wanting to talk. Hinata begrudgingly sat, not making eye contact with Kageyama.

“Why did you do that.” Kageyama states, clearly attempting his usual detached attitude but his eyes were clouded with worry.

“Do what?” Hinata mumbles, playing with the hem of his pants, not wanting to have this conversation.

“Shoyo.” Kageyama whispers, his voice soft and caring. Hinata looks up to him, not expecting Kageyama to use his name. “Please talk to me.”

“I’m sorry Kageyama.” he sniffled, unsure what to say.

“Call me Tobio.”

His eyes and mouth flew wide open with shock, he had never expected ~~Kageyama,~~ no, Tobio to say that.

“Get that look off your face dumbass,” Tobio said, making Hinata relax, this was the Tobio he knew and could handle.

“Sorry Tobio.” he whispered, liking the way Tobio sounded in his voice. He never thought his friendship would get this close with Kageyama, but he was a little sad it was because of this. “It’s just how I handle things.”

Tobio frowned, placing a hand awkwardly on Shoyo’s knee.

“Handle what?”

“Being the sun.”

“What does that mean?” Tobio asks, whatever he expected Hinata to say clearly was not that.

“I have to be what everyone expects me to be, I always have to shine and be happy, but I’m never happy Kage-Tobio. And since I cannot be the light in the sky everyone needs me to be I punish myself.”

“Are you stupid?” Kageyama practically yells at Hinata. He’s taken aback, but not surprised. He knew Kageyama would call him stupid, he deserved it. “You do not need to punish yourself, the sun does not light up the world all hours of the day, so why the fuck do you?”

Hinata didn’t know how to respond, he didn’t know how to explain to Tobio how he needed to do this, it was the only thing that kept him alive.

“You cannot keep doing that.”

Hinata tried to sputter a response but Kageyama places a hand over his mouth.

“Do not argue with me Shoyo. The sun has to set sometimes, you do not need to pretend to be happy all the time, especially if this is what it takes. Someone else will shine when you cannot, that is what the moon is for.”

“I know.” Hinata mumbles into Kageyama’s hand before he pulls it back, placing it on Hinata’s shoulder, rubbing comfortingly.

“I want you to talk to me if you feel like that Shoyo, no matter what your dumbass brain tells you, you do not deserve to hurt yourself like that.”

Hinata nods as Kageyama pulls him into another tight hug mumbling something about how he should sleep over at his place tonight.

Hinata gets up, finishing up changing and grabbing his stuff to follow Kageyama out of the change-room when he realizes something.

"Hey Kageyama?" Hinata asks, poking his shoulder, causing him to quirk an eyebrow and look down at him. "What did you come back into the change-room for? You didn't grab anything."

Kageyama flushed red, eyes fluttering away from Hinata's curious gaze. He noticed this was a perfect opportunity to take the attention off himself and onto Kageyama.

"I- um." He paused, blushing harder and rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. "I knew you were still in there and I was worried about you."

"Tobio-chan!" Hinata laughed, bumping his shoulder teasingly into his. "You are such a softy!"

"Shut up, dumbass!" he grumbled, shuffling his feet a bit when he walked. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

It was Hinata's turn to blush as he felt his heart ache, for once in a way that wasn't painful, it was nice.

"Good thing I am fine!" Hinata said, trying to pretend the last ten minutes of his life didn't exist.

"You are doing it again." Kageyama said, and Hinata's smile dropped. "I know now, so you do not need to pretend around me anymore, dumbass. Why don't you tell me how you really feel."

Hinata sighed, happy demeanor falling again, he found himself reaching for his rubber band and snapping again.

"Why don't you start with that." Kageyama softly said, taking his hand away from his wrist and into his own, connecting their fingers. "Tell me why you are doing that. I've never seen you doing it before but clearly the other stuff has been happening for a while. Why do you have the rubber band today?"

"Because it distracts me from how I feel. I need the pain to get through the day, normally I can wait til I get home for my fix, but today was bad, I knew I needed it at school so I could be happy all day."

"Shoyo..." He gulped, gripping Hinata's hand a little tighter. "That's not good."

"I know," he whispered, squeezing back and looking down at his feet embarrassed. "I know it's bad but it helps, I don't feel anything anymore. The only thing that can ground me is pain."

Hinata's hand is pulled behind him and he realizes Kageyama has stopped walking. He turns around so he's face to face with him. He looks angry, making Hinata try to step back but unable to with the death-grip on his hand.

"Tobio?"

He stays silent. Hinata can see him begin to shake.

"Tobio?"

He stops shaking and he starts moving his arm, Hinata steps back, expecting to get smacked, but what he doesn't expect is another hug.

"You do not deserve that Shoyo." Kageyama mumbles into his hair, hugging him so tightly it almost hurts. "You will not feel like that forever, we will get through this."

"We?"

"Dumbass!" Kageyama shouts, but it sounds more like a sob, if Hinata could see his face he would assume Kageyama was crying. "We are in this together, you are not alone anymore, you weren't alone before and I am sorry you felt that way. But you never have to feel like that again, because you have me and the whole team. You are so loved Shoyo, and it's about time you learned it."

The whole situation was so strange that Hinata started laughing. Kageyama pulled out of the hug, wiping his tears while looking completely dumbfounded.

"Dumbass! Why are you laughing?"

"I feel happy." Hinata grinned, and for once, he meant it.

\------

If Hinata was the sun, then Kageyama was his moon. Dark and mysterious, but when the sun went down he shone, lighting up the world when the sun could not.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked this! This is my first ever Haikyuu!! fic, hopefully it was okay <3


End file.
